Mydriasis

The haze was as bad as yesterday when my mum drove me to Bukit Jalil this morning. I was going there not because I miss my university very much and can’t even let it out of my sight during holidays but I really needed to shift my things to my new room or else I would be doing everything at last minutes.

Nothing interesting happened when I was moving my stuff,just felt lucky that I ate my breakfast because it is more energy consuming than I thought. Exahusted,drenched in sweat,I walked to the stalls nearby and bought lunch. The stalls were just opposite the university and something caught my eyes. I recognised a group of people from my batch carrying books or rather notes and stethoscopes walking down the ram from the uni. They wore formal and even looked formal. My new roommate nudged me.

“Ey,look,what are they doing in uni during holidays?”

Both of us were thinking at the same time. Having fun in the student lounge? Didn’t seem like it. Playing sports? No way,their attire gave them away. Oh-no…can’t be. They seriously can’t be studying or practising clinical skills during holidays,not when we really deserve this “hard-earned” HOLIDAYS. I might be wrong but the history claimed otherwise. Our seniors actually saw some of our batchmates studying in the library during last holidays.

So my title comes into play-mydriasis. According to wikipedia,”mydriasis is an excessive dilation of the pupil due to disease,trauma or the use of drugs. Normally,pupil dilates in the dark and constricts in the light to improve vividity at night and to protect the retina from sunlight damage during the day. A mydriatic pupil will remain excessively large even in a bright environment and is sometimes colloquially referred to as a “blown pupil.””

Yes,I was almost sure that my pupils dilated,according to the physiology behind this at least. I was a bit shocked. I just can’t understand. Can’t medical students do something other than anatomy,microbiology,pathology and blah blah blah? Why must they be so overly disciplined?? Why do they have to be so serious all the time??? Bewildered and perplexed,I tried not to think what would I look like in their minds,having not studying a tiny bit so far.

At last,everything was done. Furnitures cleaned. Floor cleaned thrice. Obsessive compulsive disorder? (again=P)

I’m a survivor

Prologue

NO,you can’t give up,keep studying,you can make it through,you will definitely pass your EOS. Trying to convince myself for the umpteenth times that I will pass the exam seemed to lose it’s motivational effect as the feeling of betraying myself bacame greater with each time I told myself. 

Despair+sense of hopelessness+stress+dread+worries+desperation all came together,well past my endurance. I dunno if I can survive this…  

Facts

IT has been 13 days since I survived EOS 2. You probably must be thinking that what’s so big deal about it? It’s just  like any other exam in the world. Well, EOS 2 is different from anything I’ve experienced before. In fact,it’s so much different. It stands for End of Semester 2 exam which is undertaken by first year medical students in IMU upon completing their second semester. People say sem2 resembles a killer sem because of this deadly exam as it eliminates those who are incompetent to continue their medical course. Statistically,approximately 30-40 students each batch are victimised. Those who failed have to go through another month of torture again as they have to go for the remedial class and prepare for the resit papers. In other words,they don’t get to enjoy holidays. And,if the candidates fail this exam again,they are required to repeat sem1 or sem 2 or worse,being kicked out.

Kicking Start

STARING at the big piles of notes…the knowledge required…that is seemingly endless,borderless. Okay,I have got to start mugging up my notes or I will have to face the consequences very soon.

Guilt

THROUGHOUT the study breaks,I think this is one of the feelings that has haunted me the most. Guilty,because I have slept more than I should. Guilty,because I was not happy with my progression. Guilty,because I spent too much time bathing,eating and resting. Guilty,because I couldn’t stay up late enough.

I Looked Like A Crap

LOOKING at my reflection in the mirror,what appeared is a girl,with a pale face. Pale as in distinctly greenish tinge to the skin. A pair of tired eyes with dark shadows beneath them. Dull and messy hair due to lack of nourishment with conditioner and treatment. Chapped and cracked lips. Oh,I looked horrible but I was consoling myself,never mind,everything will be back to normal after exam.

Side Effects

MAYBE I was being hypochondriac but I felt like vomiting sometimes probably because I have “eaten” too much notes until my stomach was too full to take in anymore. “Flight and Fight” situation took over. Adrenaline was rushing through my blood giving me tachycardia and palpitation. My heart was beating so fast and so forcefully that I could literally feel it. As such,it took me some time to get into sleep and made my behavior irritating.

The Battle

I didn’t sleep much on the day before the 1st day of EOS. I wanted to fight till the last moment,just like the spirit possessed by the soldiers at war time=P I was praying hard when lying on my bed. The sunlight was scorching while I was walking to the battle place on the next day,hoping that I won’t faint. SAQ was awful. 24 questions within 2 hours,that was crazy. It was as if the questions are laughing maliciously at me,challenging me if I can defeat any of them. Frowning at the papers,racking my brain to recall what I had been cramming into it weeks before,I tried my best to fill in the blanks. Times up,there were loads of blanks on my papers,I didn’t know if I’m writing the right thing,having just the feeling that I can’t even get half of them correct. I think I got zero for all the biostatistic questions. OBA was much better,at least I could browse through the answers and just chose the best one. This could be appplied even when I have no faintest idea at all. The day before the last paper(OSPE) was even worse than any of the day during my study break. Dreading that OSPE would be just the same as SAQ,I forced myself to study and try to identify all the bacteria,viruses,fungi,parasites,cancers…they looked about the same to me. Having slept as little as the previous night,I was ready to sit for the last paper. There were a total of 24 stations and few rest stations in the exam hall. We were given 5 minutes in each station. A buzzer was responsible to startle us every 5 minutes. Overall,I think I did better in OSPE compared to the freaking SAQ. Hoping all the time and effort that I had spent in the medical museum wouldn’t go in vain.

I’m Alive and Breathing Again

BREATHING in lungfuls of fresh air,the invisible bands compressing my lungs all the while seemed to burst open.  Felt so greatful because I was able to breath like this which I took it for granted before. Shouting with joys along with my buddies,we went as wild as we could as a release of whatever feelings that pent up within us all the while. The rewards after all the hard work? Movies (we watched Xmen Origin The  Wolverine & Angels and Demons),Sunway Lagoon(I dun mind getting some sunburn and getting my skin tanned),lunches,teas,dinners and shopping. WHOA! At home? Drama drama drama,novels novels novels,0nline online online…quite meaningless but I have been enjoying though.

Epilogue

HAVING waited for 10 days,the results were finally coming out. Praying that I will pass,if possible,with flying colours,I took a deep breath and tore open my result slip with my shaky hands. The next moment…YEAH! I was immediately elated and was in the utmost euphoria. I felt a very great sense of achivement not having just make it through the hard time but also passed the thoughest exam I have ever experienced. 

I realised one thing: God has answered my prayers. Never will he leave me,never will he forsake me.  

Examinez

对我来说考试简直就是一种痛苦的折磨,学生的生活真的好痛苦。在我的想象中,最理想的生活应该是,坐在电脑前喝着一杯绿茶,写下今天的心情;然后再找一本我钟爱的小说,细细地品读。这才是生活啊!天天为了考试而啃书,已然将曾经火热的心变得冷漠。有时甚至还会怀疑,这样做到底是为了什么?那些牺牲,值得吗?

接受正统教育也有十三年了,慢慢开始对书产生恐惧感,已翻开书就想打瞌睡,想逃避。对于这样的问题,暂时还没有解决方案。只知道偷懒后就一定会有可怕且甩不掉的内疚感。更令我头痛的是,我有另一个坏毛病,就是我不能乖乖地坐在书桌前,专心的读几个小时的书。我的头脑总是没得到我的允许就到处游荡,电视机、电脑等也开始变得比往常更有吸引力。

看着永远像山一样高的书本,听着永远也不会为我而停的秒针……心里面承受的压力越来越大,毕竟这和我以往的考试方式不一样。我压力好大,不敢想象如果考不好,我的下场会怎么样。 重考?留级??开除???可是大学的考试我真的没把握啊。范围这么广,这么多东西背,而且又不一定会记得。我知道就算举白旗投降也于事无补,命运注定了我必须战死沙场。熬夜读书是无法避免的了。

于是,不顾一切的凶咖啡。连续一个星期,咖啡因在我血液里循环,刺激我的心脏,让它猛猛的跳动,让血压血量升高,让每一个细胞都能获得足够的氧气及养分。最重要的是,让我有精神撑下去、拼下去。我知道自己是不会放弃的,只希望它能立刻成为过去,成为我人生中的历史。

在宽阔无际的蓝空中飞翔

翅膀飞得好酸

好想找个栖息地

但眼前隔着一片薄纱   模糊不清

也许   我已迷失了方向

期待

黑暗的世界,已侵入了我的思绪。

因为一个事实的残酷,不得不把它封锁在一个装上密码的抽屉里。不是匪徒,能破门而入,夺走秘密;不是海盗,能寻找宝藏,获得答案。深埋秘密,我无可奉告,我也逼于无奈。

身边的朋友,恐怕不能当我的避风港,虽然我是多么的信任他们。这,让我感到措手不及、无助、慌张……

这种感觉,我已承受多年了。我,不知道自己还可以再承受多少个这种打击。

等待秘密凋零,带着微风,告诉我,幸福来临。

Emo Part 1

遗落在充满破裂的童年记忆里

努力拼凑着分裂的身体

用胶布包围

在注射morphine

就为了要绑紧

还未愈合的伤口

Emo Part 2

遗落在充满破裂的童年记忆里

试图寻找出口

好久好久

在迷宫里徘徊

一直都在原地

怎么还逃不出去?

习惯就好

习惯就好。这句话,我常常听到。

在大学念书,每天早起,匆匆忙忙吃了早餐,赶着去上课。告诉自己,习惯就好。上课时无法专心,不明白讲师在说什么。提醒自己,习惯就好。食堂里的食物又贵又难吃,对自己说,习惯就好。每天要学习的东西太多,似乎再也装不进脑子里了,但,习惯就好。竟然把读过的东西忘记,快把我逼疯了,习惯就好。生活无聊,考试压力等等。还是一句话,习惯就好。

习惯真的好吗?我一点也不喜欢习惯就好。虽然,我也许习惯了。习惯夺走了我最初的坚持,时间慢慢的消磨了我的反抗。

习惯就好,其实一点也不好。

你的电影上演中…

在你的人生中  你是编剧   你是导演   你是主角

若想让你的电影得奖   就千万不要轻易被其他人影响 

让你的电影有个完美的happy ending

里面的主角  没有任何的演技

里面的故事   没有任何的剧本

但却是最真实   最精彩的

这部电影此时此刻还在上演中

片名叫   人生

时差

我忙碌的时刻   是你们空闲的时间

我已经忙完时   你们却在忙了

以前   我不知道

原来身在同一个国度   也有时差